{"id":28066,"date":"2023-06-05T19:53:02","date_gmt":"2023-06-05T19:53:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/jenkelchner.com\/?p=28066"},"modified":"2023-06-05T20:19:26","modified_gmt":"2023-06-05T20:19:26","slug":"autistic-burnout-i-am-unwell","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jenkelchner.com\/autistic-burnout-i-am-unwell\/","title":{"rendered":"I am unwell"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t<div data-elementor-type=\"wp-post\" data-elementor-id=\"28066\" class=\"elementor elementor-28066\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<section class=\"elementor-section elementor-top-section elementor-element elementor-element-70a7c34 elementor-section-boxed elementor-section-height-default elementor-section-height-default wpr-parallax-no\" data-id=\"70a7c34\" data-element_type=\"section\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-container elementor-column-gap-default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column elementor-col-100 elementor-top-column elementor-element elementor-element-90500f1\" data-id=\"90500f1\" data-element_type=\"column\">\n\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-wrap elementor-element-populated\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-a7c06d5 elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"a7c06d5\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t<style>\/*! elementor - v3.21.0 - 08-05-2024 *\/\n.elementor-widget-text-editor.elementor-drop-cap-view-stacked .elementor-drop-cap{background-color:#69727d;color:#fff}.elementor-widget-text-editor.elementor-drop-cap-view-framed .elementor-drop-cap{color:#69727d;border:3px solid;background-color:transparent}.elementor-widget-text-editor:not(.elementor-drop-cap-view-default) .elementor-drop-cap{margin-top:8px}.elementor-widget-text-editor:not(.elementor-drop-cap-view-default) .elementor-drop-cap-letter{width:1em;height:1em}.elementor-widget-text-editor .elementor-drop-cap{float:left;text-align:center;line-height:1;font-size:50px}.elementor-widget-text-editor .elementor-drop-cap-letter{display:inline-block}<\/style>\t\t\t\t<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When an independent and functional person you know asks for help, pay attention. When they say they are unwell, take it seriously. This is us waving a white flag of surrender. This is our 911 call. <\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-b4c6528 elementor-widget elementor-widget-heading\" data-id=\"b4c6528\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"heading.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t<style>\/*! elementor - v3.21.0 - 08-05-2024 *\/\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}<\/style><h1 class=\"elementor-heading-title elementor-size-default\">Yes, I know I\u2019m not meeting your expectations. It kills me.<\/h1>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-2537375 elementor-widget elementor-widget-button\" data-id=\"2537375\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"button.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-button-wrapper\">\n\t\t\t<a class=\"elementor-button elementor-button-link elementor-size-md\" href=\"https:\/\/youtu.be\/uQnBOS3SY04\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-button-content-wrapper\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-button-icon elementor-align-icon-left\">\n\t\t\t\t<i aria-hidden=\"true\" class=\"fas fa-headphones-alt\"><\/i>\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-button-text\">Listen to this post on YouTube<\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-d184d0a elementor-widget elementor-widget-heading\" data-id=\"d184d0a\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"heading.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t<h5 class=\"elementor-heading-title elementor-size-default\">The audio of this post is 3:46<\/h5>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t<section class=\"elementor-section elementor-top-section elementor-element elementor-element-5437969 elementor-section-boxed elementor-section-height-default elementor-section-height-default wpr-parallax-no\" data-id=\"5437969\" data-element_type=\"section\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-container elementor-column-gap-default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column elementor-col-100 elementor-top-column elementor-element elementor-element-82d9ece\" data-id=\"82d9ece\" data-element_type=\"column\">\n\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-wrap elementor-element-populated\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-59d375d elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"59d375d\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Time to reflect on last week\u2019s awareness of the unmasking journey and what I am learning about myself. This week was a tough one, let\u2019s dive in.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I\u2019ve mentioned before <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">my full <a href=\"https:\/\/jenkelchner.com\/unmasked-a-girl-has-no-masks\/\">shutdown<\/a><\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> began in late November 2022 although I didn\u2019t realize I had entered severe autistic burnout until this April. I recall during January letting my friends know I wasn\u2019t doing well.\u00a0 I said it out loud at least once but the chanting was mostly a loud internal frenzy.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">By admitting (even once) I wasn\u2019t well, that was my 911 alert to the world. I said it. I admitted it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When asked how I was doing last week, I thought about how much I hate answering this question right now.\u00a0 I mean on one hand, I\u2019m doing good. I am not struggling with the depression state and wanting to fully check out of this plane of existence any longer. But, I also am very unwell.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It is a conundrum &#8211; I need and want others to check on me but I also don\u2019t want to answer this question daily.\u00a0 It triggers so much trauma.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Trauma from asking if I\u2019m well? Yes. Which brought up the next connection point this past week.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><h3><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Responsibility.\u00a0<\/span><\/h3><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A word drilled into me during my childhood and well it hasn\u2019t stopped. I\u2019ve heard every possible phrase directed at me from how irresponsible I am being to the need to be responsible. As if this is the only moral compass one should have in order to be a worthwhile human being.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I won\u2019t dig into my PDA profile on that today and how that likely shaped many of those \u201cirresponsible\u201d conversations with my parents. (For the noobs, PDA is a profile type which stands for <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.autism.org.uk\/advice-and-guidance\/topics\/diagnosis\/pda#:~:text=Pathological%20demand%20avoidance%20(PDA)%20is,expectations%20to%20an%20extreme%20extent.\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Pathological Demand Avoidance<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> or Pervasive Drive for Autonomy).\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Daily asks of how I am doing tie to my constant state of \u201care you being responsible\u201d trauma which inflames my PDA \u2026 and, you can see how spiraly this game is, yes?\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Anyway, I\u2019m back to trying to point out I\u2019m not well. My mental health has wildly improved in the last 6 weeks since my diagnosis. I am much much kinder to myself.\u00a0 My emotional health is actually pretty decent as well. But who knows if that is really the truth or not because bonus \u2026 alexthymeia and emotional dysregulation!\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The main monster that reared its head last week was during the loss of my grandmother. I was upset I am unable to show up for my mom and be present to support her. Then my mom fell and broke both wrists which will lead to months of being fully dependent on my dad to care for her basic needs. And, I cannot show up and be the Jen who is the (previously) responsible rock for everyone.<\/span><\/p><h3><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I can barely show up for myself right now.\u00a0<\/span><\/h3><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This hurts me. I felt disappointed. I felt embarrassed. I felt ashamed. It caused a lot of flashbacks to situations when things were not okay with my parents. To times when the perception has been my \u201cirresponsibility\u201d and general f*ckedupness.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So, while I\u2019m improving and slowly walking through this dark tunnel towards a recovery point I can function better in, my check engine light is still on and flashing.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>When an independent and functional person you know asks for help, pay attention. When they say they are unwell, take it seriously. This is us waving a white flag of surrender. This is our 911 call.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":28071,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[1077,1075,1078,130],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jenkelchner.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28066"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jenkelchner.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jenkelchner.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jenkelchner.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jenkelchner.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=28066"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/jenkelchner.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28066\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":28076,"href":"https:\/\/jenkelchner.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28066\/revisions\/28076"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jenkelchner.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/28071"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jenkelchner.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=28066"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jenkelchner.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=28066"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jenkelchner.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=28066"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}