{"id":28026,"date":"2023-05-30T14:54:57","date_gmt":"2023-05-30T14:54:57","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/jenkelchner.com\/?p=28026"},"modified":"2023-06-01T18:25:24","modified_gmt":"2023-06-01T18:25:24","slug":"awareness-comes-with-both-enlightenment-and-grief","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jenkelchner.com\/awareness-comes-with-both-enlightenment-and-grief\/","title":{"rendered":"Awareness comes with both enlightenment and grief."},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t<div data-elementor-type=\"wp-post\" data-elementor-id=\"28026\" class=\"elementor elementor-28026\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<section class=\"elementor-section elementor-top-section elementor-element elementor-element-11aa150 elementor-section-boxed elementor-section-height-default elementor-section-height-default wpr-parallax-no\" data-id=\"11aa150\" data-element_type=\"section\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-container elementor-column-gap-default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column elementor-col-100 elementor-top-column elementor-element elementor-element-4909b13\" data-id=\"4909b13\" data-element_type=\"column\">\n\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-wrap elementor-element-populated\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-f239fe9 elementor-widget elementor-widget-button\" data-id=\"f239fe9\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"button.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-button-wrapper\">\n\t\t\t<a class=\"elementor-button elementor-button-link elementor-size-md\" href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=bI97i8cQ2Hw\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-button-content-wrapper\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-button-icon elementor-align-icon-left\">\n\t\t\t\t<i aria-hidden=\"true\" class=\"fas fa-headphones-alt\"><\/i>\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-button-text\">Listen to this post on YouTube<\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-d079bd8 elementor-widget elementor-widget-heading\" data-id=\"d079bd8\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"heading.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t<style>\/*! elementor - v3.21.0 - 08-05-2024 *\/\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}<\/style><h5 class=\"elementor-heading-title elementor-size-default\">Listen to blog: 3:47 on YouTube<\/h5>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t<section class=\"elementor-section elementor-top-section elementor-element elementor-element-160f29b elementor-section-boxed elementor-section-height-default elementor-section-height-default wpr-parallax-no\" data-id=\"160f29b\" data-element_type=\"section\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-container elementor-column-gap-default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column elementor-col-100 elementor-top-column elementor-element elementor-element-802a68a\" data-id=\"802a68a\" data-element_type=\"column\">\n\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-wrap elementor-element-populated\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-777562b elementor-widget elementor-widget-heading\" data-id=\"777562b\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"heading.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t<h1 class=\"elementor-heading-title elementor-size-default\">I didn\u2019t know what I didn\u2019t know.<\/h1>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-c2829dc elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"c2829dc\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t<style>\/*! elementor - v3.21.0 - 08-05-2024 *\/\n.elementor-widget-text-editor.elementor-drop-cap-view-stacked .elementor-drop-cap{background-color:#69727d;color:#fff}.elementor-widget-text-editor.elementor-drop-cap-view-framed .elementor-drop-cap{color:#69727d;border:3px solid;background-color:transparent}.elementor-widget-text-editor:not(.elementor-drop-cap-view-default) .elementor-drop-cap{margin-top:8px}.elementor-widget-text-editor:not(.elementor-drop-cap-view-default) .elementor-drop-cap-letter{width:1em;height:1em}.elementor-widget-text-editor .elementor-drop-cap{float:left;text-align:center;line-height:1;font-size:50px}.elementor-widget-text-editor .elementor-drop-cap-letter{display:inline-block}<\/style>\t\t\t\t<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So here is a \u201cnew to me\u201d revelation that hit me pretty squarely the other day. Awareness brings both enlightenment and grief. Stick with me I\u2019ll explain.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I chase awareness and expansion of my consciousness with rabid fascination. I am a self-proclaimed \u201cperspective shifting queen\u201d (<\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I\u2019m not wrong<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">). Yet now that I\u2019ve been at a full standstill every day for the last month, I am seeing and sensing more than ever before. You could say my hyperdrive of doing was abruptly shifted into a hyperdrive of being.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">As you\u2019ll find,<\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> if you follow this series<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, I am obsessed with how much TikTok creators educate me. It has been a life saving experience to be honest. I began to follow about a dozen ADHD and AuDHD accounts in the last month and the rapidity of clearly SEEING myself in the content has nearly given me an aneurysm. My own patterns of expression and manifestation of ADHD and Autism are coming to life with each 3-minute video.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Each day I\u2019m finding validation and awareness about my own behaviors and thought processes.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><b>I\u2019m finding awareness.\u00a0 I am also finding grief.\u00a0<\/b><\/p><h3><strong>Grief you say? Yes, grief.\u00a0<\/strong><\/h3><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">For nearly 50 years, I have continued to <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/jenkelchner.com\/unmasked-a-girl-has-no-masks\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">suppress my real, true self<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, my natural gifts and talents, and my truest expressions. By doing this, I have suffered and as a result I\u2019ve made others suffer.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It\u2019s like wearing the wrong bra size for too long. The wires are poking into your flesh. Skin is chafed and angry. The too tight band is suffocating. Nothing about it is comfortable or actually supportive &#8211; just torture.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I\u2019ve made choices that were not right for me, <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">and because I was essentially performing this whole time<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, I wasn\u2019t authentically connecting. Or, when I was having meltdowns and shutdowns, I didn\u2019t react in a thoughtful, true or meaningful way. <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">(Oooph, re-reading this last sentence is a IRT insight. That is still masking to make others comfortable instead of communicating what my needs were in those moments.)\u00a0<\/span><\/i><\/p><h3><strong>Unnecessary shame<\/strong><\/h3><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I have left those types of interactions with massive guilt and shame. That, I, someone who studies behavior and constantly works on my own trauma healing and self-improvement, just couldn\u2019t be adult enough in those moments to express my needs.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I have a history of poor relationships, people walking away from me, less than ideal living situations, being taken advantage of, and frankly, the list goes on. And while I excelled in all areas not personal (<em>thanks to extreme masking<\/em>), I couldn\u2019t figure out the how\u2019s and why\u2019s of these things. I attributed it all to my own inability to be good enough, adult enough, healed enough\u2026[insert whatever here] enough.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Carrying extreme loads of guilt and shame about every relationship, nearly every interaction, every meltdown that wasn\u2019t socially acceptable, my parenting skills, you name it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Back to the grief part, if I had known all of this time. If only, I wasn\u2019t conditioned to mask. If only, I hadn\u2019t been forced to survive in this capitalistic society. How much suffering could I have avoided? How much earlier could I have started thriving? How much healthier could my body be today?<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I don\u2019t do regrets as I believe in the power of the journey. But, I do have anger and grief. Grief that will need to be seen and felt as it passes.<\/span><\/p><p>If that resonates, please leave a comment below and share your own experience.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I\u2019ve made choices that were not right for me, and because I was essentially performing this whole time, I wasn\u2019t authentically connecting. Or, when I was having meltdowns and shutdowns, I didn\u2019t react in a thoughtful, true or meaningful way.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":28030,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[1077,1075,1078,1079],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jenkelchner.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28026"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jenkelchner.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jenkelchner.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jenkelchner.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jenkelchner.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=28026"}],"version-history":[{"count":20,"href":"https:\/\/jenkelchner.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28026\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":28064,"href":"https:\/\/jenkelchner.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28026\/revisions\/28064"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jenkelchner.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/28030"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jenkelchner.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=28026"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jenkelchner.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=28026"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jenkelchner.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=28026"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}